Freelance Writer, Reporter, and Author

Nicole and I are going cross-country. Rather than clutter this blog up with updates, we’re going to use another one….http://threemonthsinamustang.com/.

Follow us on our adventures!

As much as I love cars, lately, I am sick of them.

It doesn’t have anything to do with the major auto manufacturers. If anything, I am elated to see so many great cars are the horizon. Ford and GM have really kicked it up a notch, and the Camaro and Mustang are in the midst of a muscle car war unlike anything I’ve ever seen. It is beautiful, and nearly brings a tear to my eye.

Actually, a lot of things have almost brought a tear to my eye. Lately I have been trying to find a new daily driver. I love my Jeep-Jeep. It starts every time I ask it to, it never breaks down, maintainence is easy, and the few problems it has I am well aware of. Alas, I bought my Wrangler for two reasons. A) To impress a girl (who I have now been dating for several years…so I guess it worked) and B) Penance for destroying a beautiful 1995 Pontiac Trans Am.

Jeep-Jeep is slow. I can get it up to 70 mph on the highway, but every time I hit the slightest bump and the whole truck shakes from front to back like a dog drying itself off after a bath. But not nearly as cute.  It also takes a LONG time to get to 70 mph. I’m talking like 15 seconds or more. It is not a fast vehicle. Nor is it comfortable. I feel every bump, every pebble, every gum wrapper discarded on the road. It has power nothing, no air conditioning, two working speakers, a leaky slave cylinder, a broken gas gauge, scratches, dings, dents, rust…

I feel bad speaking ill about my Jeep. Because I love it, despite all of its problems. But I can’t live with it anymore, not as a daily driver. It rattles my bones, gets shitty gas mileage, and has the aerodynamics of a brick. So I need a new car. The question is, what do I need?

Need versus want is such an ancient argument, and it is always easier to know what one wants, rather than needs. I wanted a brand new, 2011 Mustang V6. 305 horsepower, 31 mpg, and its a Mustang. I’ve always wanted a Mustang, but my mom always said no. Now I am a grown man, I can buy what I want…but the Mustang just doesn’t make sense on a daily driver level, at least not right now. As cool as it is, it is also rear-wheel drive. Which means in the winter time, I’ll be boned. It also doesn’t have a ton of room to store stuff, and I tend to be the go-to guy for moving people. In a few years I can hopefully pick one up for a song and a dance. Until then, I need to consider other options.

I need either a front-wheel, or all-wheel drive vehicle. I also want an American car. Not that I wouldn’t consider a foreign brand, but right now I feel it is important for Americans to support American jobs and American cars. My money, my opinion.

So what are my options then? Ford Fiesta? Nice, but small. Maybe too small. Chevy HHR? They make a turbocharged SS version, and it gets great gas mileage, but I’m ambivalent about the looks. Ford Ranger? I love pickup trucks, but the Ranger is on its way out and it doesn’t come with a whole lot of bells and whistles (air conditioning still isn’t a standard feature? really?). I don’t really care for many Dodge vehicles, like the Caliber, but I do like the Dodge Magnum. It can get decent mileage, lots of cargo space, available with a V8 and all-wheel drive…but it is HUGE. And it doesn’t look like it has great visibility either.

So I am stuck. I want something big but not too big, fuel efficient yet powerful, and American and affordable. Is that really too much to ask?

I really have nothing car related to write about. Tax day has come and gone, I’ve been writing my wee fingers off, and my cars continue to be ignored. Lovely.

But I have spent a good amount of time pondering my Zombie Evacuation Plan.

I’m a firm believer in the Zombie Apocalypse. Oh, it will happen, and when it does, I will be prepared. Far too many people think they will be prepared…but they won’t be. Me? I’m all set.

The most important part of a zombie plan is to know where you are going. You want to go where everyone else isn’t going. That means I have to avoid major population centers, malls, highways, police stations, etc. etc. Living in the Northeast, the Middle of Nowhere is just a few hours drive north in Maine. I have well-armed family in Maine, and I will likely ride out the first major wave of zombie panic with them.

But getting to Maine won’t be easy on my own, especially since I will be driving all back roads to get there (remember, stay off the highways!) I will need to rendezvous with several friends (also well-armed) as well as make some quick supply raids. Again, avoiding major population centers like Wal-Mart, we would need to snag as much in the way of supplies as possible. Gas stations/local food stores are the best bet, as they are small but usually well stocked with the basics.

The reality is, we could only hole up in Maine for so long. After the initial panic (and slaughter) we would need to find a way to survive without the traditional support system America has come to rely on. This is when we head back to Wal-Mart, and turn it into a fortress.

Any Wal-Mart will do, and the likelihood is that all the food and guns are likely to be gone. But if we could find a Wal-Mart with a garden center, we could grow our own food, either indoors or on the roof. It is also a huge building, easy to barricade (I have several lines of defense planned that make use of the shelving) and with a little ingenuity we could likely restore some semblance of civilization and ride out the zombie apocalypse in style. With its high view we could also control a large swath of land around the store and eventually venture out and reclaim what we needed from the world (fuel, more food, seeds, fertilizer, guns, etc)

Of course, this is just zombie plan #1. Zombie plans 2-12 are for another day.

It is almost April, but it feels like April. It has been raining rather constantly for about two weeks now, and I’m starting to get a bit of the cabin fever. I suppose it isn’t all bad…I am getting a lot of writing done. And luckily a break in the weather allowed me to travel up to Dover, New York, and meet some crazy old hot rodders. They told me stories about the old Dover Drag Strip, and how even though it closed 35 years ago, these guys (and a few girls) still get together every year.

Which makes me realize that there doesn’t seem to be that kind of camaraderie among car enthusiasts anymore. Within individual brands…absolutely. I wrote a piece about two men who met on a Mustang forum, one of whom needed a kidney. Their shared interest in Mustangs probably saved a life. People are very devoted to their brands, perhaps moreso now than ever.

But now there is this show, The Forum Wars, which basically pits two shit talkers against each other. I love talking trash, especially in Modern Warfare 2, but should a television show really be rewarding a bunch of shit spewers? Why do I want to see two loudmouths with admittedly nice cars trying to out-penis each other on TV? I’ve defiantly talked shit regarding cars, but this show is driving a wedge between brands, rather than bringing people together. The first episode features two cars, a NISMO 350z, and  Shelby Mustang GT. They are going to compete against each other, first in a drag race, and then on a road course.

Both cars have a strong following, but it is less about the “car”, and more about the “brand”. My Ford is better than your Nissan, or vice versa. While both cars have a lot in common…rear-wheel drive, sporty handling, similar prices, determining which car is better, and settling an online grudge match via a television show…it just seems forced. Put either guy in the other’s car, and they’ll both still have smiles on their face at the end of the day. Both are great cars, but they are complicated to the point that you almost need an engineering degree just to change the spark plugs…so I can’t really blame them if they don’t know the ins-and-outs of their own cars.

The hot rodders, they laugh about their old grudges and grievances against other brands. They were all diehard one-brand enthusiasts back in the day, but now they just accept a car for what it is, instead of griping and complaining about what it isn’t. And these guys know their cars better than the people that built them. These guys are true car enthusiasts, who take pride in their cars but nod with respect whenever someone pulls up in a mean-sounding Bowtie, Blue Oval, or Mopar.

But most people don’t seem to want cars anymore anyways…they want personal transportation with all the latest media and entertainment doodads. 70% of people rely on someone else to change their oil, and only 10% of America can drive a manual transmission-equipped car. The art of driving is dying, and it seems as though people care less and less about their cars, and more and more about their brands.

If Apple really wants to make bank, they’ll come up with an iCar.

I love shit talking, and I love rivalry between brands. But I think there just isn’t that much to be all that competitive about these days. With enough time and money, you can make any car beat any other car. I’ve seen Civics beat Vipers. It wasn’t like that back in the day. These guys, they came up with their own parts if no one made what they need. This 350Z and Mustang guy…chances are, they probably don’t even change their own oil. But they probably know where the nearest certified lubrication expert is.

What kind of enthusiast is that?

I really love working on cars. It is a soothing, relaxing exercise for me, as it allows me to blank out my mind and focus on the issue at hand. I have a very hard time focusing, even on cars. But when I can focus, it is a beautiful thing.

The only other thing I can focus on is the environment. I love trees. I love being outside, sun or rain, hot or cold. Nothing can beat nature in my mind.

Unfortunately, cars and nature are not exactly conducive to each other. And I know at the end of the day, nature is on the receiving end of abuse.

For example, I change my own oil. And as I have a rather large fleet of cars, a lot of oil goes through my yard. 85% of it gets captured and recycled (eventually) through a collection of quickly-contrived containers. But even so, six quarts of spilled used motor oil can contaminate a million gallons of drinking water. A million freakin’ gallons. Now just what level of contamination we are talking about, I don’t know, but I do know I don’t want to drink oil.

This is a problem car owners across the country face. I love changing my oil, but it is a messy process. It is also cheaper than taking it to a “lubrication professional” like 70% of the country now does. Why should I pay some punk kid $25 to remove a bolt, drain some oil, and put new oil in, just because it is cleaner? In fact, if I was President, I would make it a law that every car owner must change their own oil, air filter, and pressure test their tires on a weekly basis. That would go along with a stricter driving training program and mandatory military service.

I’d also change the title of President to Dictator for Life.

But back to the oil…I think this country needs a carrot on a stick to really kick recycling into top gear. Disposing of oil is messy and a bit of a pain in the ass. Make it easier and lucrative. It all gets reused anyway, and somebody, somewhere is making a profit off it somewhere. Pass a few bucks to the guy who gets all greasy while you’re at it.

I do feel bad, but I don’t want to stop, and I certainly don’t want to spend more money to be “green”. That seems to be the great conundrum though facing consumers across the country.

We all want to help the world, so long as it doesn’t hurt us in the process. But sometimes, no matter what, you’re gonna get bruised.

I hear there is a new Mad Max movie in the works, likely a prequel. They’re going to need cars for this movie. Badass cars. Cars that can dish it out and handle the rigors of post-apocalyptic life (or as I like to say, society-challenged). I think my Cougar fits the bill.

Which would you install? Flamethrowers, or ninja-star chuckers?

It has survived 40 years of wear, tear, racing, and restorations. More importantly, it has survived me. And it certainly looks the part. Throw on some machine guns, tri-dents, and maybe a trebuchet, and we’re ready to take it to those damn Aussies. I would definately want to play a bad guy. I don’t care what the movies say, the bad guys are gonna survive.

For now, the Cougar occupies the garage. We were so, so close to finishing the truck…and then my dad put a hole in the oil pan, because he just HAD to get the rust off of it. Whatever. Replacing the oil pan requires lifting the engine out of the bay, a real pain in the ass. Doable, as I’ve done it before, but still, a pain in the ass.

So for now it will sit, and instead I will shower the Cougar with love and adoration. It needs it, front to back. But I’ll never give up.

I hate you.

But I’m really starting to resent the truck.

Then there is the Lincoln, and the Jeep. The Jeep desperately needed brakes, and it finally got them. I went to an old Italian mechanic named Marko who told me I passed emissions, but if I didn’t get my brakes fixed in two weeks he would fail me. Fair enough. So I fixed them, and my hanging exhaust problem as well, and brought it back to Marko. He was impressed, even proud. I like him.

The Lincoln is sitting there, staring at me with forlorn eyes, trying to make me feel guilty. I don’t.

My dad and I will finish this car, one way or another. I know we will. One bump in the road isn’t the end. I’m really not looking forward to fixing that oil pan though.

This is one of those days.

I do know my own strength, and I shouldn't have been able to do this...go me?

I’ve been fighting with leaf springs and shackles and and bushings for the better part of a week. So far, of the four bolts, just one actually managed to come out with a wrench (and a bit of hammering). Everything else has been a matter of cutting, sawing, and pounding. It really takes its toll.

Just one bushing stands between me, and getting the last leaf spring off. Putting the new one on is a matter of minutes. Taking an old one off?

Hours.

But after breaking this socket on the bushing bolt, I’m ready to call it a day. The lil’ bastard will come off tomorrow instead.

I’ve never met a leaf spring bolt I liked.

But before that, we’ve made good progress on the truck. The rear brake line was shot, completely and totally, so I got that replaced.

Notice the gaping chasm in my brake line. That had to go.

The grill is back on, though the driver’s side headlight still needs to be attached. Some very minor body rust has been welded and smoothed over with bondo as well. All that is really left are the leaf springs. I left those for last because I knew it would be an uphill battle.

The past three days have been spent trying to knock the front bolt of the rear spring out. Banging, wrenching, whacking, lubricating, and finally cutting to get this bastard of a bolt out. My dad almost broke my arm with a sledge hammer when he miss his mark and whacked my wrist. It’s cool though. We even put a torch to it for an extended amount of time, with no results. My dad came up with some crazy contraption using whatever was at hand, but it made no progress. Whoever designed this leaf spring with a metal sleeve should be beaten with a switch.

This is the odd contraption my dad came up with, utilizing the U-bolts and a harmonic balancer pulley to get the bolt out. No dice.

After the wrist incident, I convinced my dad the only way to get it out was to cut if off. So I went to the auto parts store and ordered new bolts and shackles, which should be in Friday. Then I went to the hardware store and bought a diamond grit sawzall blade. Diamond grit! Should be able to cut through anything, right?

Sorta. It did eventually get through one side of the bolt, after a good 25-30 minutes of on-and-off sawing. And the other side still needed to be cut off. So we turned to the trusty cutting wheel!

Thirty seconds to cut through the bolt, another two minutes of leveraging, and the leaf spring popped out.

Sometimes, the must brute-force options are the best.

So there we are, my dad and I staring at this hundred-pound hunk of metal that has for three days frustrated us, turned us against each other, and almost caused seriously bodily harm.

As calm as could be, he looks at the leaf spring and says “Oh, doesn’t even look like this side needed to be replaced.”

I have too many projects. My list, as it sits right now:

1969 Mercury Cougar: Owned for six years, ran for about six months.

1992 Ford F-150: Owned for three and a half years, ran for about six months (seeing a pattern?)

1990 Lincoln LSC: Owned for two weeks, runs and drives but needs a lot of love

1992 Jeep Wrangler: Owned for two years, die-hard daily driver, still needs lots of love

So, before I get too far along with the Lincoln, I need to do some house cleaning, starting with the broken F-150 in my garage.

Specifically, it is a 1992 F-150 Nite Edition, Flareside 4×4. Rare, as far as F-150’s go. It has sat for about two years due to a busted transmission, though it still starts and drives, thanks to my father. It is also shockingly rust free, with just two small problem areas beneath the extended cab. He recently fixed the transmission, and now the truck needs a few more things to get repaired before we’re ready to put it on the market.

The rear bumper needs to be re-attached (the brackets needed replacing).

One of the rear brake lines needs replacing.

The rear leaf springs also need to be replaced.

Basically, the butt of this truck is busted from too much sitting. The front hubs are also shot, so the 4×4 doesn’t work, but rather than get involved with that, I am going to sell it with the problem and market it as a project truck. Why a project truck? Because even though it is all together and in pretty good shape, it has over 212,000 miles on it. That is a lot of miles, even for an F-150. But if the right person came along, it could either be restored, or turned into one sharp-looking hot rod truck.

I’m downsizing my life. I really, really love cars, and I think I’ve amassed a small collection of cool cars. Really, these are all neat rides, and I’ve owned lots of other cool cars (Saab 900 Turbo, Pontiac Trans Am, Nissan 240sx) but  I’d rather have one cool, functioning car than a bunch of broken ones. I’m going to focus my attention on the Cougar…once I’ve cleaned out my garage and my life.